"Holy" is the fifth episode of the second series. It was first broadcast on 29 October 1992. Richie and Eddie's Christmas celebrations go awry when a baby boy is left on their doorstep.
In the early hours of Christmas Day, Richie (disguised as Santa Claus) barges into Eddie's room as he is sleeping. He deposits a large stocking for himself in the corner of the room, followed by a small white sock for Eddie. He then proceeds to have a glass of sherry left on the side. The bottle however is part of a trap laid by Eddie, which when triggered wakes Eddie and tangles Richie in a noose. Not content with being rumbled, Richie insists he is Santa and demands to be cut down, and legs it out of the room complaining of a broken leg.
Moments later Richie comes back into the room wearing his pyjamas and rejoices at the sight of the presents in the corner of the room. He then forces Eddie to endure the tedious unwrapping process, revealing that Richie has wrapped up the ingredients for a Christmas lunch. The time has now come for the two bastards to give each other their Christmas gifts, and after threats of violence from Richie after being given an empty bottle of Malibu Eddie gives him his real present, a "Play Telescope" of Sue Carpenter telling Richie to "Fik uff, you sad paftic winker!". Over the moon with his gift Richie reveals his gift for Eddie, a very crap self portrait of Richie himself, and after deliberating putting it in places such as the toilet (as the flushing mechanism wouldn't cope) Eddie believes he has the perfect place for it.
The action then moves to the kitchen, where Eddie is telling Richie where to position the painting before smashing it over his head, and after Richie kicks the TV in and causing Eddie to miss "Noel's Christmas Family Video Accidents" both mull around trying to sort out lunch. Richie accidentally chops his finger off with a meat cleaver, resulting in a bout of violent finger reattachment with Eddie's help. A few hours later, Richie has changed into his best, and welcomes Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog over the threshold as guests. Lunch turns out to be a disaster, they can only have one potato each and the potato's themselves are hard enough to break the plates, the "sherry" is actually cold gravy after Eddie drank the bottle, the turkey gets burnt to a crisp and finally the pudding completely catches on fire. The boys then resign themselves to playing charades and watching TV for the rest of the day, but are interrupted by the doorbell. Richie finds a baby boy in a crib on the doorstep, and everyone takes pity on the poor thing being left out on Christmas day, and when the baby starts to cry Richie puts on a blue towel to make him laugh. Spudgun decides to give the baby his box of Terry's All Gold (though he says the baby will have to wait for his teeth to grow before having the chewy ones), Eddie decides to give the baby his Frankenstein mask that he was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later, and Dave Hedgehog gives the baby his bottle of aftershave called "Grr". Richie then comes to a realisation. "Gold......Frankenstien........and Grr! And you're all wearing crowns..........and I'm a virgin!". Somehow Richie has come to the conclusion that this moment is the Second Coming and convinces himself that the baby is the Son of God. Declaring himself Richard Mary he goes on to make some new commandments, such as people giving him all their money, all the women of the world to lose their tops as soon as possible and for no one to ever hit him again in his entire life.
Mr Harrison then bursts in and hits Richie with the door, demanding they give his grandson Johnnie back; he left him on their doorstep because he wanted to watch Goldfinger in peace on the television. Johnnie's mother Valerie soon wanders in to collect him, finally asking Richie and Eddie whether they mind if she gives Johnnie a quick breastfeed, which they happily agree to, exclaiming "Merry Bloody Christmas!"
Steven O'Donnell as Spudgun
Christopher Ryan as Dave Hedgehog
Roger Sloman as Mr Harrison
Charlie Biddle as Johnnie Bates
Tina Foley as Valerie Bates
- Eddie: Half-past eight, and all’s Crap!
- Spudgun: Oh, what’s that smell?
- Eddie: That’s lunch.
- Spudgun: Thank god for that, thought I had an accident.
- Eddie: Not sprouts! I hate sprou-
- Richie: Will you stop winging Eddie, nobody likes sprouts!
- Eddie: Then why are we having them then?!
- Richie: BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS!!
- Richie: Right, Spudgun. One potato or two?
- Spudgun: Two please.
- Richie: No, one.
- Spudgun: No two.
- Richie: No... ONE.
- Spudgun: I’ll have one.
- Richie: Alright, That’s better. *drops a potato onto Spudgun’s plate, breaking It*
- Spudgun: I change my mind, none.
- Spudgun: Here, he can have my Christmas present, it’s a box of Terrys Old Gold. We‘ll have to wait till his little teeth to come through before he can manage the chewey ones.
- Eddie: Yeah... he can have my Frankenstein mask I was gonna scare the shit out of Richie with later.
- Dave Hedgehog: He can have my bottle of aftershave, it’s a new one. It’s called... Grrr.
- Richie: Gold... Frankenstein... and Grrr!
- Richie and Eddie: MERRY BLOODY CHRISTMAS!
- The third of five appearances by Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, and the second and final appearance of Mr Harrison.
- Holy is the only episode to have an ending freeze-frame that doesn’t involve either Richie or Eddie (or sometimes both) hitting each other or being injured by someone else.
- After the conclusion of the first scene, Eddie comments that it's 7 o'clock, but only minutes later in the same scene Richie notes that it is half-past 8.