Summary[]
Alan Beresford B'Stard is a main character in the political sitcom The New Statesman. He is portrayed by Rik Mayall. He is the ultra right-wing Conservative MP for the then-fictitious constituency of Haltemprice in the East Riding district of Yorkshire, and holds "the largest majority in the House of Commons." He occupies a small office within the Houses of Parliament in London, England, a space which he shares with Piers Fletcher Dervish, the Conservative MP for the Wiltshire seat of Devizes, and old-school backbencher Sir Stephen Baxter.
Appearance[]
B'Stard is incredibly vain and relishes in expensive attire, paid for with money often acquired by insidious means.
Personality & Lifestyle[]
The megalomaniac B'Stard is a sociopath and throughout the series it is revealed that he has only gotten as far as he has because of his frequent lying, backstabbing, and scheming. He is selfish, sadistic, arrogant, self-obsessed, lecherous and greedy. He is obsessed with making money, even if it means acquiring it through criminal means, and he is not limited to attempting murder to do it.
Marriage & Relationships[]
He is married to long-suffering wife Sarah B'Stard, a marriage of convenience based on the mutual benefit it brings them both. Sarah because of Alan's wealth, and Alan because Sarah's father is the leader of the local Tory Party and holds his seat in gift. Throughout the series both Alan and Sarah are seen cheating on each other with various people, and it is revealed early on that Sarah is bisexual. Sarah's ultimate goal is to kill Alan so that she can live off his inheritance.
Alan is obsessed with sex and is not limited to paying for it to suit his needs. He greatly overestimates his sexual prowess and is often seen beginning the act only for him to reach climax only seconds later, a fact he is not at all bothered about. He views his premature ejaculation as a sign of virility. He has been accused of having sex with minors (off-screen) and this has made its way to the press, with Alan hitting back and successfully suing The Times for slander. In "Three Line Whipping" he is seen attending a brothel and becoming excited at the prospect of whipping a prostitute. The prostitute misunderstands the situation and ends up beating him senseless with the whip, leaving serious injuries all over his back and bottom.
Colleagues & Friendships[]
He shares a rollercoaster friendship with fellow MP Piers Fletcher Dervish, although like his marriage it is more of a friendship of convenience, as he is often seen taking advantage of Piers' obvious naivety and lack of self-esteem. Alan is frequently seen verbally and physically abusing Piers, sometimes just for his own gratification. Piers often becomes the focus of blame whenever something goes wrong for Alan.
He has a more respectable friendship with his personal accountant and confidante Norma Bormann (Norman Bormann) , with whom he often meets secretly and confides in. He also helped her with her sex change, doing deals with her so she can afford the sex change.
Career[]
B'Stard is depicted as the youngest ever MP in the Commons, at age 31, and as such embodied the greed and callousness of the new-age Thatcherites. His success in politics is largely down to the support of his father-in-law Roland Gidleigh-Park, who is a prominent Tory in Haltemprice.
Throughout the series he is seen pushing through extreme Acts of Parliament, such as the arming of the police and the reintroduction of Capital Punishment. In line with the many perceptions of the far right-wing, he dislikes the public sector and staunchly supports privatisation. After suffering a car accident in the first series, he refuses to go to hospital because of the austerity measures imposed on the NHS by his own party.
He holds the arrogant view that poor people are a nuisance to society, and, whilst under the influence of drugs in "Friends of St. James," proclaims to a small audience that "...in the good old days, you were born, you became ill, and then you died." He is also shown to have little regard for local authority schools, when he callously decides to dump toxic waste in a mine shaft that runs directly beneath one. Members of the Labour Party, Liberal Democrats, and other minor political parties are a source of amusement for B'Stard and he revels in insulting and humiliating them during Parliamentary sessions.
Nefarious Schemes[]
His schemes are wide-ranging, but typically encompass the acquisition of wealth, sex, property, and prestige. His adventures have been known to bring him close to death, particularly where he has become embroiled in the affairs of international governments. In "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" he is implied to have caused a car accident between the Labour and Liberal candidates for Haltemprice, leading to him securing a majority vote and therefore becoming the MP for Haltemprice. He was not completely thorough in his plan though, as he immediately comes under the suspicion of Sir Malachi Jellicoe, the Chief Constable of East Yorkshire Police. Jellicoe is corrupt however, and offers to cease the investigation in exchange for Alan's political influence, which he intends to use to pass a law that would arm the police. Alan is successful in getting the law passed, despite resistance from strong political figures such as Bob Crippen and the Bishop of Haltemprice. Alan later realises that Jellicoe is in fact, insane, and has been having delusions of God and intends to criminalise atheism. Alan concocts a plan to out Jellicoe as a lunatic, and convinces him that the Bishop of Haltemprice is the Devil. Jellicoe tries to kill the Bishop, but is pounced on by police, whom Alan had tipped off.
In "Passport To Freedom," he successfully prevents Sarah from divorcing him by destroying her financial stake in Ocelot Motors, by forging a letter from the Prime Minister detailing plans to de-unionise the industry and reduce wages. The fallout causes Sarah's shares to dwindle to almost nothing, making it impossible for her to afford the divorce.
In "Sex Is Wrong" Alan tries to make money out of a pornographic book by playing to the ideals of a feminist author.
In "Waste Not, Want Not" Alan's past catches up with him when Norma discovers that the council plan to demolish an old lockup in Hull where Alan once dumped a large amount of radioactive waste before the Falklands War. He hatches a plan to relocate the waste to an abandoned mine owned by his father-in-law, only to find that it is being used to store a massive amount of mustard gas.
Quotes[]
Trivia[]
- Whilst B'Stard is not based on any single politician of the age, he embodies the thuggish and elitist breed of MP the Thatcher government became known for.
- The character was created by Mayall, with the assistance of writers Maurice Gran and Laurence Marks.
- Mayall resurrected the character in 2006 in a series of live shows. The script was written by Mayall, Gran, and Marks, and depicts a contemporary Alan B'Stard who has defected to the Labour Party.